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Cadvent Crack is not a product you can buy, though many have tried. It is the low-grade mania that sets in when you realize the “handmade artisanal wreath” you ordered on November 15th is currently floating somewhere off the coast of Guam. It is the sound of your partner whispering, “We said no gifts this year,” while hiding a suspiciously large box in the garage.

It begins in the parking lot of a big-box store on the first Friday of December. Not with a bang, but with a ping —the sound of a single, overstretched shopping cart wheel hitting a curb. Then another. Then a hundred. Cadvent Crack

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